I just threw up on my dentist
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
