You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
