4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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