Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
