Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
