Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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