I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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