evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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