Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I want to fling myself into the sun
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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