forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
