There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
