apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
