Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
high people should be assigned attendants
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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