we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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