I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
