Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
