I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
that's an acceptable place to lick
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
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He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
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Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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