If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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