My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
