Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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