If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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