He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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