you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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