Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
