Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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