You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
