id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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