whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
