Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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