Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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