let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
