using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
