Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted