I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
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I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
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everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years