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sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
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