clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
