My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
