i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
