is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
