john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
