watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
