I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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