You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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