Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
