She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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