Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
