just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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