a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
