I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
