how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
no you cant smoke seaweed
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
