She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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