so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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