I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
