we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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