Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
pop tarts are not kleenex
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
