the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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