Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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