Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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