exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
