so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
