Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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