Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
