btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
