I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
