eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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